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My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

I just completed going through "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. I am attempting to put on my standard energetic, cheerful face for the world however inside I am an entire disorder.

While I have known for quite a while that I have issues with liquor, this book made me go up against them. however strangely support me to acknowledge I am not the only one. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Life was too harsh for me, specifically the part of growing up - I was unpopular at my age, my dad was a serial cheater, even my mother had low self esteem issue because she was overweight at that time, I got no one to look after me except myself. My life eventually made me an independent person.


Strangely, I never drank in high school. And Luckily at that time I can attend a prestigious school that proud on its student's academic records'but the students there turned out really like having a party, they were party animals. Thus started my adventure into episodic drinking and consequent terrible conduct - running from power outages, to awful aftereffects to unseemly sexual exercises.


I came to understand that the only way for a corpulent young woman to have a sexual relation was to be intoxicated the same way as the boys.


I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.


Life advanced on - I turned into an enlisted nurture, acquired an experts degree and dated a pleasant individual. We drank wine on ends of the week when we were as one and at times amid the week I would buy a jug for myself.

Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.


We got too much cases of wine on our home because my husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own"'. Often we drank a bottle or two wine at evening, it was our nightly ritual'. I secretly mixed my own cocktails and hide the glass in my baking cupboard so my husband won't find it

Immediately after I reach home - and face the house untidy state, making the evening meal, trying to make ADHD boy concentrate on his assignment while withdrawing the other one from his iPod.....I can't help but think about mixing that drink....which I continue refilling up to the point that I finally fall asleep or lose consciousness. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.


But there is more - two years ago I became entangled in a very fierce emotional affair with one of my son's ally's father. Luckily although I was in a very intense emotional affair with him, it never got physical, maybe a few hugs or being close with him occasionally at sport events, maybe you know the feels because I felt it was romantic, very intense and impacted my life drastically, but still luckily it never got physical I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.


I was elated than I had ever been. Soon the affair began to get intimate and suddenly out of the blues he ended it. I have been emotionally down and sorrowful over this loss....and the drinking escalated.

My mixed drinks alleviated me they helped the agony.

I am so embarrassed as view back over my life. The drunken episodes:

  • Being completely drunk at a party last year.
  • Drunk at the golden jubilee celebration of a relative.
  • I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
  • Shouting fits in front of my children
  • I threw punches at my husband's face so often
  • Making a tantrum when my child brought his friend to spend the night which basically is a none issue.

I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I feel that I finally got straight, ready to come home.